I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOU

 We have been friends for a long time now. 

And our past doesn't matter anymore to anyone of us anymore. Because things ended and it had to . I dont know about you but it took me some 2 years to get over you. A lot of self blaming, self hatred, false hopes and a broken heart . But one morning I woke up and I ddin't feel bad about losing you anymore. I ddin't feel like crying for what happened to me, didn't feel sorry for myself anymore. I ddin't feel the urge to look at your gifts and letters anymore and i was healed. 

Its been 10 years to that day now, and we have been friends, good friends infact. We share stuffs we cannot think anyone else could understand. Most importantly we don't judge each other. We both have taken our time to come at this stage of our lives with each other. 

I haven't seen you in these past 10 years. Yes you must have changed, not much but maybe little. We don't notice the changes in people we see everyday, though they age everyday,you me everyone.  We all mature, we even change the way we appear to others, colour our hair, do some straightening,even gain height or weight. I hadn't seen all of these everyday changes of yours. But I do remember your smile, your eyes, and the way they saw me. I remember those. I can't forget them. For I was in love with you back then. I had memorized everything about you. Because that's what people tend to do eventually.

It was that one fine day, I got a text from you saying you needed a favor from me . Some official work you wanted to get it done and i was in that department you needed help for.  I asked you to come by my office next day so that we can discuss and solve it out whatever the matter was. I asked you to visit, but little did I realise something. Something which was about to happen after so long. Something I ddin't think it through. I hadn't seen you in about 10 years now, not even once. Even after being in the same city sometimes, we haven't. And we chose not to, also, we ddin't have had any reason to. Afterall we were exes to each other.  Multiple questions rose in my head that afternoon as I realised what was about to happen tomorrow. Its not a big deal afterall, two friends meeting for work after a long time. 

Two friends who once loved each other. 

I started thinking about the next day, what would you look like now? Are you still that tall or you have gained some height? Do I even remember your height? Numbers yes, but the way your height used to make me feel safer when near you,no. I do remember your smile yes, but the way your smile used to make me blush, no. I do remember your hands and how they looked but how loved they made me feel once when you used to hold my hand, no. 

I do remember your voice yes, but how listening to it made me feel like my favorite song, no.  Eventually the day came when we were about to meet. You called me to inform that you have arrived and I went to find you in that busy reception full of clients. It was an exceptionally busy day, with people filling up the entire area of the ground floor. I reached and started looking for you. Strange thing though, i ddin't know what to look for. I realised I didn't remember a lot of you anymore,that you are a faint memory in my mind in terms of how you look. I realised i didn't know how to find you. I was just searching blindly for a face that should be familiar, a voice heard before and a hand held long ago. 

Just when i was about to give up, I saw a hand getting raised and a voice calling my name. And suddenly I saw YOU. 

The forever effortless guy smiling at me, reaching out to me with his hand now in my direction hoping for a hand shake, and before I could even look at you properly, before I could even take my time and realise I have you infront of me right at this moment, your hands reached mine and we shaked. I too was approaching to meet your to be shaken hand unconsciously because I ddin't want you to see me taking my time to look at you . 

I did both and yet it was all very fast, like an instint. Like a second of a moment. Like meeting a long lost friend. 

We talked, mostly straight to the point . I too was making sure you I dont get caught in the act of , looking at you keenly, listening intently, silently judging your ways of talking, hand gestures, your clothes, your hair, your teeth, your smile, your eyes. 

I was infact judging myself. I wanted to see have I really achieved what I claim. Had I really forgotten how you made me feel once? Had I forgotten our late night chats about love? Had I forgotten how you made me feel on the day you had proposed? Had I really surpassed those sleepless nights i cried for you? Had I really got those days behind me? Had I really moved on? 

I wanted to know how you made me feel now. I wanted to know myself, because it was important. For me. 

Surprisingly enough, I did not feel I have forgotten anything. It's just that, those memories weren't affecting my present right then. I sure did not feel that I loved you still, but all those moments,all those memories I had with you, those feelings, they cannot be abandoned just like that. They are going to be with me throughout my life and i do not even want to forget them. Because that was perfect for the 'then me',and it felt magical. I did not want to forget, because forgetting is not moving on. I can never forget how a person made me feel once. I honour our love the way it was some time ago. And I will cherish those moments, as they are beautiful memories now. I sure could have handled my pain of losing you a bit differently. And I should have, but what can I say now, I did then what I felt was best for me. If something humans know how to do best, its being imperfect and yet unique and beautiful in their own way.